So ….. I was just sitting here thinking…some say I am a over thinker. I really have no idea.
But i was thinking….. of recent i have have been constantly thinking. Fighting with the thoughts of some questions and facts. “What am i doing with my life? Am I happy here? what about all my hopes and aspirations? What about staying in India for the next two years? What about getting away from Dubai for a bit ? what about social work ? What about your career? What about staying away from them and this ? WHAT ABOUT YOUR DREAMS? “
ALL of these thoughts were constantly flowing though my head. For one entire month now its been just this way. And I get exasperated ,tired , my head literally hurts, my mood changes , I barely smile and i constantly feel like a damn FAILURE.
Today . Just now . I was sitting and doing the damn same fucking thing , when it fucking hit me just like a hangover to the head. A hangover of a entire months madness in my brain. An entire months mind.
“WHAT GOOD IS IT?”
“WHAT FUCKING GOOD IS IT?”
I mean why? Why do I want these things? Why do I want to strive for my career as a writer/social worker ? Why do I want and incessantly need these things ? Why do I feel a constant urge that without these I will not feel complete? I do not get it.
What will really happen if “i” do not achieve these “dreams” of mine? Will I not feel Happy? Isn’t that what we all believe will happen if we do not achieve our dreams? Is that not what we have been led to believe?
Forget everything you know . Why do I want to feel Happy? That’s my fucking question ! What the fuck is this happiness you talk about and why the fuck am I constantly led to believe that this is the only thing I fucking want in my life. I do not get it!
Fuck happiness , its over-rated I do no understand what the fuck for I even crave it with my entire being so much. DREAMS , sitting here right about now I cant even began to conceive why it is that my entire life i had been chasing these things ? These dreams… why? Cause you programmed me such that I require the achievement of these DREAMS and this “Happiness” to feel alive?
How do I really gain gratification when these dreams are found? By feeling this thing you tell me I will feel this “happiness” ! No ! no ! no. do not get me fucking wrong , I am not a person who does not believe in anything good in this life. I am not depressed . But seriously what the fuck is this ‘Happiness’ I mean like seriously just define it for me would ya? I am afraid that I will never really be able to achieve this state of “Happiness” you talk about. But not because of any other reason , except that I cant define this thing “happiness” so I do not even understand why it is that I seem to WANT it for my self. When the only reason I am chasing it is cause you said it needs to be chased………….
That’s what I was thinking at least , What good is it?